Its official

Sore wa okotta. Watashi wa okikae raremashita. Watashi wa sore ga kuru no o mimashita. Soshite, mada watashi wa sore ni tsuite nani mo shimasendeshita. Kore wa, kore made de mottomo mechakucha kanjidesu. Soshite, anata mo, anata wa, ima no watashi ni sore o suru koto ga deki shitatameru koto ga dekinai nodesu ka? Nan demo. Kore wa, anata ga watashi kara kiku saigodesu. Watashi wa yūjin no yō ni anata o atsukaimasu saigo no jikan. Soshite, anata wa kore made to onajiyōni kanjite iru baai. Tabun, wareware wa mada yūjindearu kanōsei ga arimasu. Bōru wa anata no saibanshodesu.

whats new

Watashi wa anata o ushinaimashita. Dareka ni watashi wa anata ni shōkai shimashita. Kono basho de watashi no shin'yū. Watashi wa shitto nodesu ka? Watashi wa mō anata no jikan no kachi ga nai nodesu ka? Watashitachiha, hotondo mō hanashimasu. Watashitachiha saisho ni modotte yarinaosu koto ga dekitai to omoimasu. Watashi wa anata ga migi no watashi no tonari ni aru nimokakawarazu, anata o ketsujō shimasu. Watashi no aibō.

Pandora

A tiny meek light

at the bottom of the barrel

filled with chaos

A light called hope

slowly fades to black

haiz.

Should have just gone to school.

Or Stayed at home. 

Gone.

There she goes. There she goes again. There she goes for good. Never to be seen again.

Jaded

I've been searching for so long. I'm so tired. There us barely a fragment left. If i lose this. I don't think i can recover. Is there anyone who can make me whole? Is there someone who would take me in their arms and not let go?

longing

i feel the longing again. especially when times are bad. you wish you had someone to hold you. some one to say that it will be alright. someone who listens. someone that would make you forget the pain. someone to rest your weary head on. someone who would take in your soul and give you a little of theirs in return. someone who would put you soul at ease. I still cant seem to find them. Even though i take all the darkness of everyone away. no one is there to take in mine. The pain grows deeper each day. knowing who you long for is who you cannot be with. knowing that no one sees the abyss of despair in you. No one who could make it a little easier each day. Where are you? are you even out there? would you show me the way home?

Maybe

Maybe just maybe i may have found something. I will see where this leads. Its different and it felt good. Lets walk forward together. Just a little bit.

It has all gone to hell.

I have nothing left. i have no one left. It was all lies. Lies of omission are still lies. Its over. I misplaced my faith. Now i have a price to pay. The darkness has reared its ugly head. The time to fight has come. I will walk into this alone. I will not give them anyone to treat as a weakness. This is war.

Need

I think i know what i want, What I need. Something that is uncomplicated. Someone to just hold me. I am looking for someone to just be there and not say anything. Someone to hold my hand and love me for me. I need a place to rest my soul. 

Food for Thought

Its probably happened to everyone. Falling in love with the idea of a person. And maybe thats why relationships don't last. Maybe thats why some don't even start. Expectations far outweigh the reality and that puts us off. Maybe this time i will take it slow and not dream of the ideals. (maybe i still wil dream) I should not project what i think might happen. Maybe i should just take the chance and leap in Head first. Who knows? There may not be rocks at the bottom.

The Youthful Flower.

Today was a good day. I finally smiled and laughed like i did before. Not because i fell in love but because someone connected with me and we had a good time. We just sat listened to music and laughed. She smiled an innocent smile of wonder and i was just happy to spend time with someone who didn't care who i was or where i was from. We talked about art, photography, jump shots and music. We listened to some old tunes i wrote and laughed at the silly ones. With no intentions and no prejudices. Twas a good day, it was. I hope this carries on.

Consciousness

What do you truly know about yourself. What can you truly say about yourself. Knowing and understanding are two very different concepts. How can anyone say they understand. Have they suffered through it? The longing, the ache, the deep deep pain. Can you imagine, slowly drowning in the ocean. Slowly sinking to the bottom. the pressure so great it breaks your body. The yearning for air so strong your lungs burn. The deeper you fall, the darker it is. You cannot see, you cannot hear, you cannot feel, you cannot breathe. You wish death came quicker. As i watch people fall in and out of love, i wonder, when will i taste this sweetness. I waited and waited. 15 years later, i'm still waiting. It hurts even more, so much more when someone says that you are a great guy, you will find someone i am sure. How can i believe that. When not a single time it has worked out. What proof do they have. I do not want to be alone, but it looks like i am destined to die..... alone. "you are a great guy", "why can't i find someone like you", "you are the best guy friend a girl can ask for"..... I have heard it all. And each time it hurts more than the last. Desperation? When no one would give me the time of day. When no one understands me. Who truly understands me. Who has drowned in the sea of longing. There are plenty of fish, but no one saves the drowning man. The good looking fisherman gets everything by just being there. The hard working one got nothing, because they were all gone. Would you save me? If even you cannot say yes....... Then who will? 

Demons

Demons are within all of us. I can barely vanquish mine. Yet i have decided that i will fight all demons not just mine. I will take all their demons and place it within me. I will fall so that others will rise. I will fight for those who cant fight. I will be the Sword and the Shield. I will pick up my weapons. I will wield them once again. The only reason i fight is so that no one has to go through what i have. Even if i am alone. 

I expected this. Right?

i am unbelievably angry. i know something like this was gonna happen. I am worried sick and pissed at the same time. Its something i have not felt in a long long time. I have seen this happen time and time again. I try to protect them i do. I am the adult after all. I want to be their rock. They say that "no la it wont happen to me" or "I will be careful" or "i know what i am doing" and then they get hurt. All it takes is one too many drinks, one too many inhibitions let down, and they get hurt. Sure i may seem overly protective or invested at times, but i have not just heard the stories, i have seen them happen. It is beyond heart wrenching. And there is nothing i can do but be there and die a little on the inside. I love them all and i want them to be safe. I do not want them regretting any decision they make. Because i truly do care. So please for the love of god and all that is holy, be safe. Because i cannot always be there and that scares me. More than any of you know. please be alright. Please, Please be okay. I will be there if you need me. I will fly like the wind to be by your side. You only need to call.

2 for 1! must be a great day!

Now when was the last time i did a twofer. i don't even remember.

I am annoyed as hell. I somehow find it hard to talk to the people i always talk to.

or i get ignored outright. which i hate completely. Its stupid and dumb and petty.

But is it wrong to be selfish? Is it wrong to want to be happy?

Can i get pissed? Am i allowed? Fuck i really REALLY wanna scream out loud right now.

But I am the "adult". I am there for everyone. I am the rock.

But sometimes you gotta realise that this rock is made of sand.

sand that doesn't really hold well together. It needs connections. 

I reflect everything i receive. After storing it and letting it stew.

Fuck this SHIT. It doesn't help that FUCKING feb 14 is coming.

i look around and i see all these relationships forming. People that I CANNOT BELIEVE

are capable of human relations have someone. And the more i see them, The more FUCKED up i feel. And you know, I CANT EVEN VOICE THIS OUT. cause of how petty it will seem. And i really really want to punch a wall. I really really want to. I really want to scream. Can i scream?

It has begun

The bonds forged

So easily replaced

These connections

Mismatched in value

Worthless

Why did i try so hard?

Did i try too hard?

These connections

Worldly things

Completely worthless

Utterly pointless

I shall silently fade to black

To melt away into the night

To become a passing memory

And leave but a piece of my soul behind.
Forgotten.
Fuck. Something's broken
And i can't fix it.
Maybe i should just leave.

Irrelevant.

As twilight descends

I fade into the night.

The reaper of sorrows
filled with Blight

an apparition in need
forgotten in times of glee.

Its time to disappear
For there is no need of me here.
The waxing in done.
The waning begun.

O Harbinger of Fate, we go

into the night 

we go.